It Is Dangerous To Fall Asleep In Church

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," he said, "I have a problem - my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who pray made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.

"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones.

"God!" Mrs. Jones cried out as she was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.

As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mr. Jones poked his wife, who yelled, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"


:eek:











:rofl:

FANTASTIC :D :D :D






:biggrin:

And so began adultery.

My congregation was small, but I managed to put an older gentleman to sleep, each and every Sunday. His wife would shrug it off, unless he began snoring, when she would elbow him a good one to the ribs.

LOL, one Easter Sunday, I had opened the service with the "He is risen" line, explaining the response from the congregation was to be, "He is risen indeed!" When I sailed into the sermon and this fellow started to doze off, I said, "He is risen!" When the congregation responded, it awakened him. Call me wicked, but we exchanged those lines several times during the morning. :innocent:

Sorry, no one is sleeping... but if you have a religious grandmother (and are not so religious yourself) then you should certainly find the joys of the lord within this post.

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing... why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma
source (http://www.occultcorpus.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1942)


Most of the rest of the jokes I have are about pagans or are too offensive to share here ;)

ROFL that's a good one!!

HAHAHAHAHA they were great :rofl: